As I often do on Saturday morning, I was listening to Peoples Pharmacy on public radio on October 10, 2015 The guest on that Saturday was Dr. Kelly McGonigal, a health psychologist and lecturer at Stanford University. She is also an author. Her most recent book is The Upside of Stress: Why Stress is Good for you, and How to Get Good at it. I had not listened long before the recently deceased Dr. Wayne Dryer popped by to visit in my mind. Many readers will be familiar with many of his books. The one which was most prominent in my mind right then was Change Your Thoughts – Change your Life. It was mentors such as Dr. Dwyer who allowed me to begin to entertain the notion that the problem is not with particular events or emotions, it is with our relationship to them. For as long as I can remember I have been interested in the inter and intra-relationships of thoughts, actions, body parts, pieces of the universe, and even such person-created objects as bridges and buildings. It was on Peoples Pharmacy that I first heard Terry or Joe Graedn or one of their other guests talking about the theory that placebos work because when our brain thinks it has taken a healing medication or done a healing procedure the brain then begins to function as if it is healthy and sending healthy messages to the rest of the body. The immune system might kick into high gear or some other process will start operating which facilitates healing and/or slow down the progression of an illness.
Dr. Dwyer, Dr. McGonigal, Dr. Becky Johnen and many of the other teachers who have so generously stimulated thinking on health-related issues suggest that it is often our relationship to an event within our body and our larger environment which determines the positive or negative power of that event. Often, as soon as there is an event which is new or challenges us, we label it as stressful or with some other term we have decided is negative. We then have an internal relationship with the term we have used. Usually, we have loaded words/descriptive phrases with a particular term. With the term stress we may have, for example, stored terms such as: bad, unhealthy, too much, overwhelming, unhealthy. Each of us could probably come up with our own long list. Those words then tell the brain what messages are going to be sending to the rest of the body. We will then have corresponding physiological changes in our body. With the term stress, we may have increased heart rate and an increased production of certain chemicals or set the hormonal chemical messenger service in motion. So far so good.
Stress in and of itself is neutral. Oxforddictionary.com defines stress as:
1. Pressure or tension exerted on a material object.
2. A state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances.
If I see someone to whom I am wildly attracted, my heart rate might increase and many other changes might take place in my body. I may be nervous and excited at the same time. I might be saying to myself that, “I am going to ask that person for a date I hope that they say yes. What if they say no?” If I do not get past this point and actually take action, I might miss my opportunity and then chide myself for doing so. On the other hand, I might approach the person who says yes and I am so excited I can hardly stand it. There is a certain level of tension in my body which is resulting in my being nervous or anxious about how the date will go. On the other hand, I may start having wonderful fantasies about our marriage and the home we will make together. I am in heaven. While stressful, I am having a lot of fun with this situation.
Let us suppose that the person says no to the date proposal. I hear them say, “You are old and ugly. Why would I want to spend time with a dirty old man? Get away from me you creep.” I now have the possibility of several reactions. I can take the negative messages to heart and begin to remember every time in my life someone has said something negative to me. I get depressed. The stress is the tension caused first by my asking, then by my feeling stupid enough to think such a beautiful person might say yes and finally by my agreeing with the person. I am now telling myself that it is hopeless, that I will never have another date, blah, blah, blah. This is a very negative event. On the other hand, I might decide that it is okay that the person said no, that there will be other possibilities, that I can go spend time with friends or go see the art exhibit I have been excited about seeing or a million other possibilities.
Let’s suppose that I get anxious when I take tests and I am going to have to retake a licensing exam. The anxiety arrives and I say to myself, “Wow. I am going to be alert and at my best when I take the test. I may or may not pass the first time but it is okay either way. I would rather pass, but if I do not, I will have a better idea of what I need to study for the next time I take it.”
A more common example is that I get very tense, label the tenseness as anxiety and then tell myself that I am dying, that I cannot stand to feel this, that I am going to have a heart attack or some other terrible event is going to happen and then…..This is not healthy for the body.
Dr. McGonigal states that one of the responses to stress can be the increase of hormonal messages which increases the production of oxytocin which strengthens the heart muscles. This process is increased by social contact. Often the reaction of the human body is to reach out for social support when experiencing stress. This is a positive in terms of overall health. If we know that this is happening we have some choices about the relationship we have with the tension in our body. If we label it as negative or bad, retreat to our bed, isolate, quit eating and exercising the body will not respond well. In this case the original stimulus for our behavior was experienced as negative and, in fact, did have negative results. It was, however, my relationship with the original stress which had a negative outcome.
This morning I had an email from a client. Both he and the person he has been dating are in recovery for drug addiction. His partner has relapsed and he has been focused on trying to control her behavior. Tonight he is working the late shift and knows that he cannot even try to control her. He is stressed about what she might do while he is working. He “knows” that one cannot stop an addict from using; that one cannot love a person enough to make them get into recovery. Yet, he is telling himself that if he cannot control her behavior he will have a terrible life, that he might end up relapsing himself, that he cannot be alone and in many other ways catastrophizing. In this case, the stress is not coming from the fact that he is grieving the loss of the illusion of control or the possible permanent loss of his partner or the fact that he will be alone. Certainly the original stress is related to the sadness of this very fine person relapsing. There is grief. He is part of a 12-step program. He can reach out to others who will be very supportive. I can also reach out to me more often, his mother and sister, and many others. He can remind himself that this woman is not responsible for his happiness. Certainly she contributes to it when they are doing well, but he has many positive people in his life even when she is not doing well.
I am very grateful to folks such as Dr. McGonigal, the new deceased Wayne Dwyer, and all those who have and will continue to challenge me to think outside the little boxes I create for people, places and things. For those interested in pursuing the work of Dr. McGoniga,l I suggest that they access her web site where there is also a link to her TED talk on this subject. Her book is also available on Amazon.com and probably at most local libraries. (www.kellymcgonigal.com).
Dr. Dwyer’s books, the works of the Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron, the book and weekly blog of Dr. Becky Johnen, and the works of many others can be helpful resources for stimulating our thinking on the effect of how we think about such factors as stress.
Written October 10, 2015
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